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Doug Whitener

Building Strong Children: Parent Modeling

Updated: Nov 10, 2020

“It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” (Frederick Douglass)




Whenever my Godson comes to Reno, we like to take a walk together in Oxbow Park. One time as we were approaching the park, I picked-up a beer can and threw it into a nearby trash can. As we left the park, Robert saw some gum wrappers on the pavement and quickly picked them up and placed them in his pocket. In both incidences not a word was exchanged. In this short blog, I will highlight the importance of modeling as one of the most vital tools parents have to influence their children's growth and development.


Modeling is a powerful observational tool. In fact, some would say it is the most powerful learning tool that parents and educators have. It is a tool we carry within ourselves every day of our lives. I will often wonder if Robert would have picked-up the gum wrapper if I had lectured him about the importance of a clean environment without providing an unspoken example.


If a parent has a good relationship with his/her child, there is a good chance that this parent will have the opportunity to become a positive role model in the child’s life. This concept is best described by Neil Kurshan (1989) in his book Raising Your Child to be a Mensch when he said:


“Children do not magically learn morality, kindness, and decency any more than they learn math, English, or science. They mature into decent, responsible people by emulating adults who are examples and models for them, especially courageous parents with principles and values who stand up for what they believe.”

Clearly, Mr. Kurshan views parents' behavior as a crucial factor influencing the moral development of children.


Modeling: Child Perceptions Matter


Children, like adults, frequently interpret behavior in a manner unique to themselves. This can be a problem when a child interprets parent behavior differently than we think they might interpret it. Let me give a few examples:


· A child is angrily spanked by his father for swearing. The father wants the child to learn a lesson about swearing, but the child subconsciously observes a parent model of hitting others when one is angry


· Two parents argue about spending money on a trip, and the mother prevails uncompromisingly. The mother wants the children to learn a lesson about being frugal, but the children see a poor parent model of conflict resolution.


These examples underscore the need for parents to pay attention to the decisions they make and the processes they use to make those decisions. Additionally, talking to children about their decision processes is not a bad idea because it can help parents to understand the child’s view of events. Rudolph Dreikurs addressed this concept well when he said:


“We must remember that although a child is an excellent observer, he is a very poor interpreter and needs someone to put his observations in proper perspective.”

One can never over-emphasize the importance of parent modeling as a major influence in the development of a child; nevertheless, I would be remiss to not mention the importance of genetics, relationships and individual freedom that are important factors influencing child development. If these other factors were not in play, our children would be clones of ourselves. Speaking for myself, that might not be a good thing.


Call for Action


Parents need to understand that the behavior they exhibit around their children will profoundly influence the growth and development of these children. Because none of us is perfect, it is important to decide which values are most important to us and try to live them as much as possible in our children's presence. An example worksheet to guide this process might look something like this:


Contract

We agree to live and emphasize the following values as much as possible in our home and the community:

1. Service to God, Country, and our World

2. Family loyalty

3. Helpfulness to Others

4. Humbleness and Gratitude


Every parent and set of parents should have this discussion about primary values to live and honor. It is a discussion that should include the children as they become ready to join the conversation. If you make every effort to live these values, there is no guarantee that your children will have the same values as you do (and that is a good thing), but there is a good chance your children will have a foundation that you believe is best suited to help them thrive and be strong in the future. Finally, as parents, we should always remember the sage words of Ralph Waldo Emerson:

“What you are shouts so loudly that I cannot hear what you say.”

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