“It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” (Frederick Douglass)
Your eleven-year-old child is eligible to play Pop Warner football this fall. Trying not to appear over-enthusiastic, you approach your son and remind him that sign-ups are next week. Much to your disappointment, he shares with you that he is not interested in playing football. All sorts of thoughts ramble through your mind as a father:
· The touchdown you scored against the Eagles
· Mom and Dad bragging about your football successes
· A future football scholarship to USC for your son.
Hopefully, this parent will step-back, listen to his child’s story, and encourage his child to make the best decision for himself. This short blog has been written to remind parents that it is important to be mindful of our experiences as a child, but these experiences should not be the controlling factor in your child’s upbringing.
How we were raised has a huge impact on how we parent. There is nothing wrong with this reality if we are aware of it, and we are willing to continually reflect on this powerful influence on our lives. Our family experiences should be one influence affecting our parental decision-making, not the controlling factor. Parents must be willing to think about their childhood and consider how their experiences are influencing their parenting decisions. Siegal and Hartzell (2014) addressed this concept well when they said:
“Making sense of your life is the best gift you can give to your child.”
Taking the time to review and reflect upon your childhood experiences is a meaningful and necessary step for all parents to undertake. The next step, however, is the most important step.
Becoming Mindful Parents
Will the father hit the “pause button” and ponder his son’s response to his football invitation, or will he react with disappointment and agitation? The answer to this question may depend upon the father’s ability to be mindful of the influential factors in play at this moment. Can this father recognize that his past football experiences may be restricting his openness to his son’s interests and needs? The process of placing the child’s well-being first and understanding what thoughts, feelings, and experiences are influencing a person at the moment is often referred to as mindfulness.
Let us hope that our football father is aware of his own thoughts and feelings about playing football, and he can pivot to his son’s interests and desires. He will need to come to grips with his disappointment in his son’s choices, explore his son’s interests a bit more in conversation and try to find another activity he can support his son’s involvement in.
Responding to a child’s behavior in a mindful manner may be one of the most important steps a parent can take in his/her quest to build strong children.
The experiences each of us had as a child forms an important part of our personality. Instead of denying or avoiding this, we would be better served to accept this fact and deal with it by becoming mindful of our past without allowing it to control our future or the future of the children we serve. I think Alfie Kohn (2006) best summarized this challenge when he said,
“In my experience, what distinguishes truly great parents
is their willingness to confront troubling questions about
what they have been doing and what was done to them.”
Call for Action
I. Take some time to reflect on the parenting behaviors and style you were exposed to as a child. To simplify this process, you may wish to ask yourself the following questions:
· Which patterns of behavior exhibited by my parent or parents have had a positive influence on me as a person and my parenting? Am I doing a good job emulating these behaviors with my children?
· Which patterns of behavior exhibited by my parent or parents could pose a risk to my children in today’s world? What have I done to avoid these parenting behaviors?
II. Practice being mindful around your children. The next time you are in a conversation with one of your children, try to recognize and harness your own thoughts and feelings as you attempt to better listen to your child. This action will take practice.
Hopefully, this blog will help each reader to endeavor to become a mindful parent. The rewards for your children will be immense.
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