"My motto was always to keep swinging. Whether I was in a slump or feeling badly or having trouble off the field, the only thing to do was keep swinging" (Hank Aaron, MLB Homerun Leader)
Hank Aaron, a man who overcame poverty and racial injustices, passed away recently as the greatest baseball homerun hitter of all time; Joe Biden, a man who survived family tragedies and electoral losses, was inaugurated as the 46th President this month. What did these two men have in common? They both demonstrated the resilience it takes to overcome obstacles and survive challenges to become champions in life. Simply put, President Biden and Hammerin' Hank both "kept swinging" during good times and bad times. They have displayed resilience in their lives by demonstrating the "ability to bounce back from stress, adversity, failure, challenges, or even trauma." ( PSYCOM, 12/2020).
How do we mentor this quality of resilience in our children to help them become champions in life? This is a fair question that I have attempted to address in this article. Like so many parenting strategies, the answers are not simple, and there are many ways to reach this destination. The path towards resiliency each of us takes as a parent must necessarily weave through our own life experiences and our children's personalities. This path begins with our behaviors, and it ends with the actions of our children. In this article, I discuss seven strategies that parents may wish to consider as they attempt to build resiliency in their children.
I. Relationship with a Supportive Parent
"The single most common factor for children who develop resilience is at least one stable and committed relationship with a supportive parent."
(Harvard University Center on the Developing Child, Dec. 2020)
Harvard researchers have spent countless hours studying the backgrounds of children who develop resiliency in their lives. One factor that stands out more than any other has been the presence of a "committed relationship with a supportive parent." This is not surprising for many reasons:
1. The stronger the relationship a child has with a parent, the greater chance the child will try to emulate the parent
2. Supportive parents can help children recover from mistakes and trauma to provide them the confidence to keep trying
3. Supportive parents can help children build the emotional and cognitive capacities they need to adapt to challenges in a healthy manner.
Not all children have a stable, committed, and supportive parent in their lives. The best chance for these children to develop resiliency is to have a teacher, mentor, or friend who can provide the same support.
II. Parents as Role-Models
"Children do not magically learn morality, kindness, and decency any more than they learn math, English, or science. They mature into decent and responsible people by emulating adults who are examples and models for them, especially courageous parents with principles and values who stand up for what they believe." (N. Kurshan, 1989)
Parent modeling of behavior is a powerful observational learning tool to influence children! In fact, some would say it is the most powerful tool that parents have. It is a tool that we carry within ourselves every day of our lives. What we do usually has more impact than what we say. Hence, if we want our children to develop an inner-resilience, we must be prepared to enhance and display our resiliency. Some examples of this personality attribute might include:
· Not giving-up on home projects
· Admitting failure and searching for new strategies
· Staying calm during stressful times and becoming a problem-solver
· Setting family goals and refusing to lose sight of them
· Understanding ourselves, recognizing our emotions, and asking for help when needed
· Demonstrating healthy coping strategies (e.g., exercise, time-out).
There is no guarantee that parents who demonstrate resiliency in their homes will have resilient children. However, the chances of this childhood resiliency becoming a reality are significantly increased.
III. Empowerment: Choices and Responsibilities
A. Choices
It's 8 AM. A busy mother prepares her toddler to go to daycare. She puts out three pairs of socks and asks the child to pick the pair she wants to wear.
Why is this sock choice such a valuable activity? This mother is infusing "choice" into her daughter's life whenever she can. This strategy carries an essential message to the child: "You are important, capable of controlling your own life, and competent to make decisions. As a person who likes getting things done quickly, I often neglected to give our sons choices, but, luckily, my wife did a much better job with this vital step. The importance of parents delegating reasonable decisions to their children can never be underestimated as a necessary building block of child resiliency.
B. Responsibilities
As I was helping students line up following a school assembly, a little hand touched my belt. A shy first-grader with sparkling eyes looked up at me and said, "Mr. W. I am the line leader and the kids are supposed to line up behind me.
I quickly moved out of the way to let the little girl do her job. The haste I had at that moment quickly succumbed to the importance of allowing this little girl to exert her control and complete her duty. Helping children fulfill household and school responsibilities builds self-efficacy, and it creates commitment to something larger than themselves (family, school, country, etc.).
Children who have been given reasonable choices and responsibilities during their youth tend to enter adulthood believing they can control their lives during good times and bad times. This feeling of empowerment and control is a prerequisite condition that is so important when the need to "keep swinging" is crucial.
IV. Teach Adaptive Thinking Skills and Problem-Solving
The score is 20-0 at halftime during an NFL football game. A high-priced wide receiver is yelling at his quarterback on the sidelines while the head coach is busy reviewing defensive alignments on an iPad. At halftime, the head coach makes team adjustments that lead to an amazing comeback win.
Clearly, the wide receiver is overwhelmed with his emotions, whereas his coach has moved on from his disappointment to begin second half planning. The coaches' behavior is an example of resiliency in its purest form. The Harvard article identifies these types of behaviors as "adaptive skills." I like to call them mindset tools because I believe how we think about problems is central to how we deal with problems. For example, the head coach is probably telling himself that the score is terrible, but football has two halves, and it is time for his team to try a different offensive strategy. Some other examples of positive mindsets we can model and share with our children might include:
· Mistakes present opportunities for learning and growth
· "Success is not final; failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts." (Winston Churchill)
· "Perseverance is failing 19 times and succeeding the 20th" (Julie Andrews)
· "Every strike brings me closer to the next homerun." (Babe Ruth)
The true measure of one's adaptive skills is the speed at which a person can rise from a mistake or loss and quickly move to a problem-solving platform. Carefully describing a problem, pinpointing the failures, and brainstorming alternatives can take center stage in this process.
V. Building Self-Regulatory Capacities
An event is not traumatic for a child based on the event itself; it is traumatic based on the response to the event from the caregiver (H.T Forbes, 2012)
Our star wide receiver has reacted to his team's embarrassing first half by yelling at his quarterback instead of doing any form of problem-solving. This player's reaction is probably a conditioned response based upon the adult reactions to the trauma he has witnessed in life. He has not learned how to regulate himself during times of emotional crisis. Chances are he is not in touch with his emotions, nor does he have any coping strategies to calm himself down. It is not too late to become more self-aware and find ways to calm himself down, but he better do it soon because his free agent salary value just took a hit.
Many books are available to help parents promote self-regulation skills in their children. Providing self-regulation guidance to children starts with modeling these skills. It ends with children who recognize their feelings and can respond to those feelings reasonably. Some worthwhile activities that parents may wish to consider include:
· Evaluate your self-regulation behaviors (feeling awareness, coping strategies, etc.). How quickly do you transition from emotion to problem-solving?
· Attempt to help your children identify their feelings and assist your children in developing appropriate responses to their feelings
· Model and teach coping strategies (take a walk, read, time-out, etc.).
VI. Promote Healthy Risk-Taking
"In a world where playgrounds are made safe with bouncy floor materials and helicopter parenting, it is important to encourage kids to take healthy risks. What's a healthy risk? Something that pushes a child to go outside of their comfort zone, but results in very little harm if they are unsuccessful" ( PSYCOM, Dec. 2020)
Children cannot become resilient if they are not given tasks that require resiliency. Children must become involved in projects that are challenging and demand independent problem-solving. This means parents need to help their children get started on projects, step-back, and allow each child to succeed or fail on his/her own account. It is important not to step in to fix things, but questions are sometimes helpful. Some examples of childhood projects might include:
· A summer lemonade stand or a bake sale
· The school science fair project
· Organizing a neighborhood football game
· Building a tent fortress in the bedroom.
VII. Emphasize the Power of Shared Goals and Discipline
William Glasser once suggested that the best examples of quality education in schools can be observed on the athletic fields, in the band room, and the Advanced Placement classes. He contended that student learning and resiliency occur in these programs at high levels because there is a common purpose amongst students.
Having been a coach most of my adult life, I agree with Dr. Glasser because I observed student-athletes' resiliency and willpower trying to win championships. These students learned to support each other, recover from game losses, set goals, display discipline in their preparation, and never-give-up because they were united with a common purpose. Most importantly, with good coaching, athletes, musicians, and students often have the chance to reap the rewards of their resiliency and determination.
Parents are encouraged to seek opportunities for their children to join organizations that promote a common purpose, such as sports, arts, scouts, etc., as a means to help their children develop resiliency.
Conclusion
Resiliency is a personality attribute that is very valued in our society because it is a quality we see in many of our heroes and successful leaders. The path to resiliency is a different path for each parent and child. In this article, I have discussed seven different strategies that parents may wish to consider as they embark on a journey to help their children find success in life. Each strategy is important, but some may outweigh others in their relevance and usefulness to the parent and child traveling together. The great thing about this journey to practice resiliency is that it is never too late to begin the journey.
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