When a sister intentionally hits her younger brother after a pillow fight, a parent must respond to this misbehavior. Will the parent ignore the behavior, punish the sister solely or send both children to their rooms? Are there other choices to be made, and will there be a discussion of the event with the two children? Clearly, a parent needs to understand the purpose of discipline and consider certain guiding principles before he/she develops a response to the misbehavior that has occurred. In this article, I share some basic ideas about the purpose of child discipline, focusing on the idea that parents must consider the long-term ramifications of their disciplinary responses as well as the short-term effects.
The purpose of child discipline programs is debated unceremoniously in homes and schools every day. I tend to agree with Richard Sagor (1996) that the over-riding goal of child discipline is to accomplish three primary objectives that benefit children:
· The maintenance of order
· The promotion (and teaching) of prosocial behaviors
· The development of a child's internal locus of control
Each of these objectives is important in its own right. Let us discuss these objectives in more detail.
I. The Maintenance of (Healthy) Order
"The most important step in any disciplinary action is to establish reasonable expectations and boundaries in advance." (James Dobson, 2014)
Children need order, consistency, and predictability to thrive in a home environment. This truism is a reality that is well-documented in psychological journals. Is maintaining order with robust disciplinary procedures the key to good parenting? Of course not. Parents must strive to ensure the order they promote is a "healthy" order that combines respect for their children, reasonable expectations, teaching skills, and appropriate learning consequences.
In their quest to maintain order in a family, parents must take the time to set "reasonable expectations and boundaries" by making every effort to understand their children. This means developing fair and safe rules that consider the ever-changing developmental capabilities of their children. The three-year-old child may not be allowed in the backyard alone, whereas the seven-year-old alone in the backyard cannot climb the tree without a parent near-bye. If the older child has cognitive delays, the child may need to have a parent watching from the window when he plays alone in the backyard. These scenarios are all examples of adjusting rules to coincide with the capabilities of children.
When the seven-year-old is assigned to clear the table after dinner, the parents must teach the child how to clear the table properly by discussing and demonstrating the process. Communicating expectations and teaching necessary skills are essential actions for parents who want a healthy level of order in their family. Similarly, adjusting expectations and respectfully listening to children as they mature becomes one cornerstone of successful parenting during the teenage years.
A discussion of appropriate consequences for children violating family rules will be discussed in my next article.
II. The Promotion (and Teaching) of Prosocial Behaviors
One should never forget that the word discipline is derived from the biblical term disciple. Originally, discipline was systematic instruction given to disciples. It is patently clear that if parents viewed discipline as a learning opportunity, kids would be better treated, bad behavior would be easier to change, and adults would be happier. (Doug Whitener)
"Children do what they CAN do!" (Ross Green, The Explosive Child, 2014)
Children do not magically learn how to share, play fairly, and respect others. These are social skills children learn from experience, parent modeling, and direct teaching. Often, acts of misbehavior (such as hitting your younger brother) present themselves as opportunities for parents to teach social skills. For example, in the case of the injured brother, the parent may wish to investigate the incident, listen to both children's stories, and process what each one of them could have done differently to resolve the conflict. Better yet, the parent may ask her children to role-play a better solution to their problem. Consequences will be applied to reinforce the learning that has occurred because of this incident.
As a school principal, I remember a case involving a new fifth-grader named Billy who called a teacher a "bitch” when she confronted him in front of the class about his homework. At our suspension meeting, the boy's father, smelling of alcohol, called me an idiot for suspending his son. Neither the father nor his son had the ability to respond to outrage or embarrassment appropriately. In a certain way, I did feel like an idiot because I knew the boy was being suspended for failing to use a skill he had never been adequately taught! This story's message is pretty simple: we must teach children the social skills they need to be successful in our homes and schools, and thoughtful discipline can often be a vehicle for this instruction.
When Billy returned to school two days later, the school counselor, teacher, and I began a teaching intervention for Billy that lasted a few weeks. I absolutely believe that our commitment to teaching Billy prosocial skills reduced the chances of him repeating his behavior. More importantly, our teaching intervention increased the chances of Billy becoming a successful citizen in our society. Good discipline at home or in schools takes time and a commitment to teaching and learning.
III. The Development of a Child's Internal Locus of Control
"We claim that an individual is disciplined when he is the master of himself and when he can, as a consequence, control himself when he must follow a rule of life."(Maria Montessori)
I have to say that many parents attempting to discipline their children do well emphasizing order and social skills. Still, they often fall short of helping children to develop an internal locus of control. Said in another way, a significant goal of all child discipline programs should be to help children develop their inner discipline (Coloroso, 2005) on their way to becoming responsible adults.
What is inner discipline, and how do you help a child to develop inner discipline? Following Maria Montessori's lead with my own accent, I believe inner discipline is a dynamic process that involves heightening one's level of self-understanding, demonstrating self-control, and respecting others. None of us will ever reach the pinnacle of full inner discipline in our lives, but climbing towards this goal with our children watching and emulating us is to be prized.
Parents are wise to survey their examples of inner discipline before attempting to instill inner discipline in their children. Questions parents may want to ask themselves could include:
· Am I aware of my emotions, and do I appropriately respond to these emotions? When was the last time I took a "time-out" to calm myself before taking action?
· Do I listen to others, and do I do my best to respect others' rights (and feelings) as much as possible?
Fostering inner discipline in our children is no easy task. It begins with ourselves, but it quickly becomes a matter of process and instruction for our children. The first step is to recognize that all discipline is foremost a teaching experience and a time to help children reflect upon their own behavior.
I am a great fan of Dr. William Glasser, a psychiatrist who created the concept of Reality Therapy when he worked with delinquent teenage girls. Dr. Glasser's goal was to help these girls become responsible "by understanding and meeting their own needs without depriving others of the ability to fulfill their needs." I suspect many of Dr. Glasser's interviews with his students may have followed this path:
1. "When you acted this way, how were you feeling, and what need were you fulfilling?
2. How do you think your actions affected others?
3. Did this behavior work for you?
4. What could you do differently next time to meet your needs without interfering with others' rights and needs?
5. Let us practice this new approach to the problem."
Simple? Yes. Reserved for psychiatrists? No. I truly believe parents can follow a similar questioning strategy that can lead to more responsible child behavior. Equally important, the child has been introduced to a manner of thinking about misbehavior that can lead to healthy inner discipline. If a child's disciplinary interaction with his parent creates positive reflection by the child, the exchange successfully promotes inner discipline growth. Parents who have helped their children to develop inner discipline have played the "long-game" and worked themselves out of a job – it is time to celebrate!
Conclusion
Let us hope that our introductory mother firmly reinforced the idea that hitting each other is not allowed in the house, and she helped her children reflect upon their behavior as a means to discover better courses of action. By approaching this discipline interaction in this manner, the mother has restored order in the household, but she has also stayed consistent with the long-term objectives of helping her children develop social skills and inner discipline.
Child discipline is a complex topic. It starts with the need to build a healthy level of order in a family, but it ends with children learning social skills and developing inner discipline. Parents must recognize that effective child discipline only occurs when parents are willing to take the time necessary to help children reflect on their past behaviors and learn new behaviors. It is a journey well-worth taking!
I will discuss discipline strategies that parents can easily use in my next article.
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