"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." (Frederick Douglass)
In the year 2018, 48,000 Americans died of suicide. Notably, that year suicide was the second leading cause of death among individuals between the ages of 10 and 34. There can be no doubt that the specter of suicide is a reality that parents need not fear but, at the same time, neither can parents afford to ignore the subject entirely. In this article, I discuss healthy parenting strategies that I believe can significantly reduce the chances of teenage suicide ever occurring.
Suicide is a difficult topic to write about. The reasons why a person would select death over life are complex. I know this subject all too well because I have experienced the pain of two very different suicides in my family. One suicide was cancer-related, and the other young suicide involved issues of ill-fated love and life despair. Adding to this issue's complexity, others in the family would probably cite different reasons for these suicides. We cannot bring back the deceased to explore their thoughts and emotions. All we can do when a suicide occurs is deal with our grief, try to console the family, and do our best to prevent future suicides.
I believe that parents who attempt to raise strong children limit the chances of suicide in their family. There are no guarantees about life decisions because suicides occur in dysfunctional families, and they sometimes occur in healthy, functional families. Nevertheless, I contend that teenagers raised in well-functioning families have a much lower incidence of suicidal thoughts than children raised in dysfunctional families. In support of my view, recent research by staff at Washington University in St. Louis (Feb. 2020) cited family conflict and parental monitoring to be predictors of suicidal thoughts in teenagers.
What are some basic parenting strategies that contribute to suicide prevention? I have settled upon eight basic parenting strategies that I believe help build "strong" children and limit the chances for future suicides in children and teenagers.
1. Care, Security, and Love
"I will love you when you are good, and I will love you when you are bad."
A two-week-old baby cries, and his mother warmly picks him up and soothes the baby with a bottle. This mother's response to her baby's needs forms the basis of a loving relationship with the parent that often plays a preeminent role in the child's personality development. The mother sends a message of safety and love to the baby that fills him with trust and frees the young child to explore his environment. It is not too difficult to magnify the baby experience 100 times and apply the same concept to teenagers. Although the manifestations of care, security, and love may be different for teenagers, it is still very evident that teenagers need to feel these sentiments probably as much as infants. The warm hug and words of encouragement a high school sophomore may receive from his father after failing an algebra test may be the support this teenager needs. Parents need to enforce reasonable limits and provide reality checks for their teenagers, but they must also be present to provide a "bottle of love" when a teenager needs it the most. Without this support, despair can be overwhelming and sometimes dangerous.
2. Celebrating the Joy of Life
"Those who contemplate the beauty of the earth find reserves of strength that will endure as long as life lasts." (Rachel Carson)
I was walking in Oxbow Park near my home the other day thinking and feeling bitterness about the Presidential election. Suddenly, a gray squirrel ran across my path, climbed a tree, and jumped about 10 ft to a branch. It was as if this squirrel was calling out to me to forget my future worries and enjoy the natural wonders unfolding in front of me. Thanks to this chubby squirrel, my walk through Oxbow became a journey of appreciation highlighted by golden fall trees, playful squirrels, peaceful deer, an exotic spider web, and vines in full color embracing trees.
Most great religions of the world stress the importance of pausing life experiences to allow oneself to be "present" in life. This may mean taking the time to enjoy and salute the natural splendor in Oxbow Park, or it could mean taking the time to appreciate the emerging self-expression skills of your toddler who just said, "No" for the first time. It takes discipline to appreciate the present moment at different times in our life, but it is a practice that can have great rewards for adults and the children who naturally follow their parents' lead. Simply put, if the "life vs. death" equation ever occurs, the hope is that the life side of the equation will have more value if a child has learned to appreciate the natural beauty of our earth and humanity.
3. Educating the Heart
"Educating the mind without educating the heart is no education at all." (Aristotle)
Some suicides are premeditated, but many are not. I have reason to believe that both types of suicide have occurred in my family. In both cases, an underlying condition may be the reality that a person's emotions may have overrun his/her reasoning. If one accepts this contention, a significant challenge for parents beginning at a very young age is to help children recognize their feelings and deal with them in a responsible manner.
Of course, the first step parents must consider before advancing their child's emotional development is to reflect upon their personal emotional presentation. Three questions each of us might want to ask ourselves are:
· Do I listen for and respond to the emotions of others, including my child?
· Am I doing a good job recognizing my emotional states?
· Am I doing a good job responding with reason to my emotional states?
If a parent can master the three questions listed, there is a good chance they can help their child do the same. How valuable a lesson it can be for a child when his parent says, "I am really angry right now, so I am going to take a break before I make a decision." Similarly, the parent who notices a child appears sad and takes the time to explore this feeling with his/her child is helping the child feel better and educating the child at the same time. A parental focus on a young child's emotional well-being can be a huge factor in this child's life when he or she becomes an emotion-driven adolescent.
4. Perceptions Matter: Life Has Chapters
"When I was fourteen, it seemed to me that my parents did not know anything. By the time I was twenty-one, I was impressed by how much they had learned." (M. Twain)
Mark Twain aptly reminds us that many factors influence childhood perceptions, and they do change over time. Sometimes, trying to understand a child's perceptions may give listening adults clues to better understand the motivations behind a child's behavior. More importantly, when parents discover that a child's perceptions are unhealthy or unrealistic, they can guide their children to question their perceptions to develop more realistic beliefs. Unchallenged perceptions often lead to unrealistic beliefs that can dominate a child's thinking and behavior during the prime periods of their life…we cannot allow this to happen.
I want to list some examples of unhelpful beliefs that I have observed and discussed with young children during my recent school counseling days:
· I can't read very well, so I must be dumb, and there is no need to try
· I must be a really bad person because nobody likes me
· It's my fault my parents are divorcing
· I will never be in love again
· If I were to die, nobody would care.
Note, the last student's comments coupled with some disturbing behaviors, resulted in a suicide intervention protocol being implemented to help the child. The outcomes were good in this case.
There is no easy playbook describing how to help children challenge their beliefs. Sometimes outside counseling is the best resource. Nevertheless, asking for evidence and broadening the child's perspective can be helpful. For example, I did ask the first student if all slow readers in his class were dumb, and he pointed out to me that Billy, who "goes to the resource room," is his smartest friend. Later, we explored the lives of Winston Churchill, Albert Einstein, and Tom Cruise. We also explored times in life when this student is smarter than others, and he pointed out that he quarterbacks his flag football team because he knows the best plays to call.
Many teenagers are not fully capable of understanding the concept that "life has chapters." They cannot understand this concept because their book has not been written yet. On the other hand, most parents have had ups and downs in their life, survived crises, and overcame hardships. Sharing this perspective with distraught teenagers can have great value, and it is easy to do. One strategy I used as a counselor was to ask students to envision their life in a new chapter 10 years from now. In most cases, the visions of marriage, children, and careers were uplifting to these teenagers lost in the moment. Having healthy beliefs and hope for the future can be a strong deterrent to self-harm.
5. Empowerment
"However bad life may seem, there is always something you can do and succeed at. While there is life, there is hope." (Stephen Hawking)
I believe that many teenagers and young adults who commit suicide have no hope for the future. They feel powerless to control their destiny in the presence of forces beyond their control. Their present chapter ends the book without the possibility of new chapters being written. Individuals in this state of mind are in a crisis and need professional counseling. The challenge for all of us is to help young children develop a "Can Do' approach to life that does not allow them to fall into tunnels of despair. This "Can Do" approach to life is what I term "empowerment"; it is an attitudinal approach to life's problems that assumes all problems have a solution, and I can lead the way to find that solution.
How do you help a child develop an attitude of empowerment? Like so many of the "strong children" strategies, you start with yourself. You may want to ask yourself these three questions:
· Do I model a "Can Do" attitude when problems arise?
· Do I take responsibility for my behavior and try to change my actions as necessary?
· Do I celebrate successes and rebound determinedly from failures?
Modeling a "Can Do' attitude is the starting point for parents trying to help their children feel empowered. Three other vital strategies come to mind when discussing empowerment: choices, responsibilities, and success.
Children who regularly make choices in their early years are emboldened to become decision-makers as adults. The parent who encourages her toddler to choose from three pairs of socks on the bed contributes to this child's sense of importance and strength in life. As childhood decisions become more complicated, parents are wise to step back, let the child or teenager make decisions, and help him/her to live with the consequences of those decisions. Helping children to learn how to survive bad decisions is just as important as celebrating good decisions.
"Never do anything for a child that he can do for himself." This quote echoed by many child development experts cuts to the heart of the empowerment concept. Children who are given responsibilities feel a sense of importance because they are entrusted to complete tasks, and they feel a sense of accomplishment when they are successful with the tasks. All complaining aside, childhood responsibilities help create responsible adults, and responsible adults tend to have a sense of self-power.
Stephen Hawking, a man who had tremendous ALS impairments in life, said there is always something you can do and succeed at. What a captivating statement by a man imprisoned in a wheelchair who could barely raise his head. He was an empowered man at the time of his death because he successfully used his mental gift to make the world a better place to live in. The difference between despair and brilliance for this man was his success as a physicist. Dr. Hawking's powerful lesson is that all individuals can succeed in life if they find their particular gift. The message to parents is to help children find success in life, encourage them, celebrate effort, and help your children build competence.
Children who are surrounded by parents who model empowerment and promote choices, responsibilities, and success in the home are more likely to see positive solutions when life gets really tough.
6. Pay Attention To Your Child's Mental Health.
"At least nine out of 10 who die from suicide are struggling with mental illness or substance abuse." (from Understanding Suicide: A National Epidemic by C. Goldsmith, 2017)
The staggering statistics cited above highlight the need for parents to take extra precautions to recognize and confront teenage mental health challenges. The real question is whether or not a parent can identify a mental illness or substance abuse problem and be willing to respond to it.
Truthfully speaking, many parents like myself have struggled to bypass their ego on this issue. If I enroll my daughter in a drug rehab center, what does that say about my parenting? In these cases, parents must override their pride and do what is best for their child.
The CDC reports that about 9.4% of children aged 2-17 in the United States have received an ADHD diagnosis. Additionally, about 7.1% of the same population have been diagnosed with anxiety, and 3.2% have been diagnosed with depression. These statistics represent children who have been diagnosed, but they do not include children with these mental health issues who have not been diagnosed. Additionally, let us not forget children who have experienced sexual assault and children diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Many of these children will get the help they need to cope with their challenges and live normal lives, but some will not. It is up to parents to make the extra effort to seek help when disturbing behavior patterns confront staff at school and parents in the home.
According to the American Journal of Psychiatry (June 2018), individuals with alcohol dependence, and persons who use drugs have a 10 to 14 times greater risk of suicide compared with the general population. There is no question that teenagers with substance abuse problems need clear and decisive interventions. Many dedicated parents will report that recognizing the need for substance abuse intervention for their teenagers is the easy part; getting these same teenagers to wholeheartedly participate in a program is the real challenge. Persistence, support, and encouragement are necessary components of any substance abuse intervention strategy.
The central message that these sobering statistics present to parents is this simple idea: If you think your child may have a mental health issue, get help soon. The National Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) has established a 24/7 hotline for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance abuse disorders (1-800-662-4357).
7. Be an Active Member of Your Teenager's Support System
"Our impact and influence are directly related to our interpersonal relationship with the child." (H. Ginott)
As children become teenagers, the supportive influence of peers often becomes significant in their lives. This is a time when many teenagers are beginning to become more independent from their parents' influence and trying to establish their own identity. The challenge for parents is to maintain a supportive posture in their teenager's life despite the growing influence of peers. This supportive role becomes critical when issues such as substance abuse, cyber-bullying, and suicidal ideation can occur.
How do parents maintain a supportive role in a teenager's life? The starting point is to work hard to maintain a positive relationship with your child. This does not mean relaxing necessary limits or avoiding accountability; instead, it means discussing issues, listening to your teenager, working towards agreements, and having fun together. It also means "monitoring" your child's world and offering "reality checks" when things do not look right. This monitoring was the most challenging part of teenage parenting for my wife and me because "reality checks" are often not greeted with joy and gratitude. I suppose this is what many experts refer to as "Toughlove."
8. Resources for Help
What do you do if you feel your child is in danger of hurting himself or herself? The easy answer is to follow your gut and ask for help. There are many sources of assistance in your school, community, and on a national level. School counselors are not therapists, but they have a good knowledge of community resources, and they have been trained in suicide prevention protocols. Almost every community has a crisis hotline to call, and there are national numbers to call also. A few of those numbers are listed below:
National Institute of Mental Health…… 1-800-273-8255…..Spanish… 1-888-273-8255… Crisis Call Center (Local)…775-784-8085
The National Suicide Prevention lifeline (#BeThe1To) and its partners are working "to change the conversation from suicide to suicide prevention, to actions that can promote healing, help and give hope." Some of their basic recommendations are listed below:
· ASK: "Research shows people who are having thoughts of suicide feel relief when someone asks after them in a caring way."
· BE THERE: "Individuals are more likely to feel less depressed, less suicidal, less overwhelmed, and more hopeful after speaking to someone who listens without judgment."
· KEEP THEM SAFE: "A number of studies have indicated that when lethal means are made less available or less deadly, suicide rates by that method decline, and frequently suicide rates overall decline."
· HELP THEM STAY CONNECTED: "Studies indicate that helping someone at risk create a network of resources and individuals for support and safety can help them take positive action and reduce feelings of hopelessness."
Conclusion
This article's charge has been to provide some helpful ideas to parents who wish to dim the possibilities of heartbreaking teenage suicides in their families. The central theme presented is that children who learn to appreciate life, understand their emotions, develop realistic beliefs and feel empowered to make positive decisions are far more likely to choose life over death when difficult circumstances confront them.
Parents are reminded to pay attention to their own examples of behavior as they attempt to raise children with the self-confidence and the self-understanding it takes to survive the many crises they will face entering adulthood. Equally important, there is a compelling need for parents to seek help when they observe that their child's behavior, thoughts, and feelings may signal a developing mental health problem or suicidal ideation.
Teenage suicide is irreversible, tragic, and mostly preventable. Parents have a critical role in this endeavor, and it starts with a commitment to raise children who have the internal attributes it takes to choose life over death at all times. The journey is challenging, but it is worth it because life is precious.
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