“Helping teens learn to fly with their feet firmly planted on the earth
requires more than knowledge; it requires strategy. If adolescents are
to survive and thrive, adults need to supply large amounts of three
ingredients – connection, guidance, and love." (David Walsh, 2004)
Finding parents who think they did a great job parenting a teenager is as difficult as finding a teacher who says he or she succeeded with all students. The task at hand is so challenging that few can claim success. Nevertheless, if one mercifully defines teenage success as surviving and thriving during the adolescent years, it does appear that some parenting actions are more likely to benefit teenagers as they begin their pilgrimage into adulthood. This article discusses five foundational strategies that parents are wise to pay attention to as they strive to support and guide their teenagers through tumultuous times. These five strategies are:
1. Love and Celebrate Your Teenager in Many Different Ways
2. Create Connections
3. Develop and Follow a Family Mission Statement
4. Understand the Biology of Adolescence and the Need for Understanding
5. Set Reasonable Limits and Provide Guidance
1. Love and Celebrate Your Teenager in Many Different Ways
"If you want to change the world, go home and love your family." (Mother Theresa)
Loving a teenager can be tricky! For many parents, the love is always present, but the expression of that love is complicated. It is so much easier to hug a seven-year-old and tell her you love her than it is to hug a fifteen-year-old who is afraid her friends may be watching. The critical challenge to parents is finding alternative expressions of love that communicate a deep level of care that the teenager understands. Some examples of this expression of love might include writing and sharing little notes of encouragement, listening with an open mind, and celebrating the teenager's positive characteristics. Lastly, there is no mystery about unconditional love. All parents must help their children to understand that they are loved when they are good, bad, or "ugly." Often, this means a second parental visit to the teenager's room after being disciplined to communicate love and concern.
2. Create Connections
"Warmth never supersedes discipline, nor discipline warmth." (W. Glasser,1965)
In many ways, the picture of a dog who now has his leash in his mouth can be viewed as a symbolic representation of the typical teenage quest for freedom and independence. Will the dog run, retreat, or frolic with his new freedom without abandoning his master? The same questions are posed for teenagers seeking new liberties, independence, and enhanced peer approval. Will these teenagers ditch the rules and guidance of their parents when they are extended greater freedoms?
Parents concerned about teenage recklessness and abandonment are wise to pay attention to the connections they have with their children. Maintaining the family dinner, taking a camping trip, shopping together, going to a sporting event, or maybe even attending a concert (teenager's choice) are examples of family connections that become vital during the teenage years. Parents are also wise to stay connected to the parents of their teenager's friends and selected school staff, so they have a better idea of the challenges their children are facing. The bottom line is this- If you want your 17-year-old daughter who came home at 3 AM to listen to your guidance/concerns and turn over the car keys for a month, you had better have established some connections and multiple expressions of love with this child long before the event occurred.
3. Develop and Follow a Mission Statement
"Begin with the end in mind." (Stephen Covey)
All successful organizations, including families, are better governed when they have an actionable mission statement. These mission statements become the "lens" through which individuals such as parents can judge their past actions and contemplate future actions. One family mission statement that I particularly like is:
"The purpose of parenting is to protect and prepare your children to survive and thrive in the kind of society in which we live in." (M. Popkin, 2007)
How do you prepare a teenager to be a thriving adult in our society? Many books are written about this subject, but I suspect the most common recommendations presented in these books are increased responsibilities, increased freedoms, and increased guidance based upon positive relationships. The reality is that parents who want their teenagers to survive and thrive in society must gently "release their leash" on their teenagers but maintain a positive relationship that allows guidance to occur. This mission-based stance may mean later curfews, less control over schoolwork, trusting your children with new opportunities such as driving to school, and, finally, supporting teenage employment. However, with teenage freedoms come responsibilities, and parents still have the duty to hold their children accountable for missteps and provide the necessary guidance to help teens recover and learn from their mistakes.
4. Understand the Biology of Adolescence and the Need for Understanding
"In the summer of 1948, Phineas Gage was a very average, hard-working railroad construction worker. An accident that summer has made Phineas' name immortal in the history of brain research. A rod went straight through his head, crushing a part of the brain called the Prefrontal Cortex (PFC). For the next 12 years, Phineas lived an impulsive, moody, and unpredictable lifestyle. The forensic autopsy of Phineas allowed researchers to begin to understand the pivotal role of the PFC in explaining Phineas' post-injury behavior changes and the behavior of all humans.
It is beyond the scope of this article to take an in-depth tour of adolescent brain studies. Nevertheless, it is fair to say that researchers have concluded that the teenage brain is developing and changing at a rapid rate and the Pre-Frontal Cortex (PFC) is the "headquarters" of this process. This nerve center of the brain controls the planning and responsiveness of the brain to thoughts and emotions, and it helps individuals make decisions.
The PFC of teenagers is rapidly changing, developing, and re-wiring itself. Unlike poor Phineas, this area of the brain can be profoundly influenced by experiences and lessons learned. For example, a teenager who learns a lesson from an impulsive misdeed is conditioning his PFC to become a better administrator when impulsive thoughts or negative emotions are on the attack. One can quickly see how vital parental understanding and guidance can be in the teenage brain development process.
Teenagers do not need a pass for their erratic and sometimes moody behavior. Instead, they need firm parental limits based upon adjusted expectations, understanding, and guidance.
5. Set Reasonable Limits and Provide Guidance
"The most important step in and disciplinary action is to establish reasonable expectations and boundaries in advance." (J. Dobson, 2014)
Parenting 101 begins with setting clear and reasonable rules for the behavior of your children. This parenting rule is true for 3-year-olds, and it is true for 15-year-olds. These rules must be adjusted over time, clearly communicated, and reasonable given the child's development. Furthermore, consequences for misbehavior must be set ahead of time, and follow-through with these rules must occur. Parents who can consistently apply consequences in a calm and even manner when their teenagers are not so relaxed have less discipline to deal with in the long run. For example, the young girl who violated her curfew by returning home at 3 AM most likely argued and possibly yelled at her parents for the month of grounding. Still, it was a predictable boundary her even-tempered parents were prepared to uphold.
Applying reasonable consequences to teenagers is a vital responsibility of parents, but this action alone is not enough. The post-discipline conference may be the most critical step in the disciplinary process. It is the time when well-meaning adults make an extra effort to help the misbehaving teenager learn from his or her experiences. It is a time when the communication of love and respect is of the utmost importance.
After-Thoughts
After reviewing this article countless times, I knew something was missing based on my parenting experiences with two incredible sons and a loving wife. There is no doubt in my mind that we, like all parents, did well with some of these strategies and not so well with others. Rosa relentlessly provided unconditional love to our sons, whereas I focused more upon the mission of independence we had for our sons. Somehow, we all survived the teenage years in pretty good shape. Given this story, what is the missing stanza of this article? It is, of course, the celebration of each teenager's existence and their miraculous journey from childhood to adulthood.
Every concept a teenager masters, every expression of love a teenager makes, and every lesson a teenager learns is a miracle to be appreciated! The true challenge for parents is to take a minute to savor the moment and share this delight with their son or daughter. If I could go back in time, songs of appreciation would have been the background music for my life chapter as the parent of two teenage sons.
Recommended Reading: Walsh, David Why do they act that way? Free Press, 2004
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